The doors are shut and barred. The brewers will brew no more. The espresso machines are cleaned and taken. Paper covers the windows. This cafe is gone now. Never to re-open. Just an empty shell.

Sweet sixteen and our little cafe had its last candle blown out for it. Sixteen years of memories, thousands of footprints and laughs, spilled drinks and blind dates, friendship and random connections have passed through the doors, and back out again. This store in Yorkville was only my home for a few months, but it was my local safe-place long before I worked here. My first stop off to class in morning, and my last stop of the night. It’s where I would play the game of Life with my roommate, taking up tables, sprawling out our fake money and cards, hiding away from the real world for as long as we pleased. My best Barista, Suz, who later become my best friend and coworker. 

Yes, there are other cafes around the corner. Yes, we can make coffee at home. But there really isn’t another alternative to wonderful, humble Yorkville. The customers are…special. The tanned, sports-car-man, smiling as he gets a bazillion dollar ticket on his Ferrari-Lamborghini-hybrid, just to jump out for an Americano. The celebrity guests and pro-sports team seeking refuge in our crazy queues. The financial analysts and bankers, the business people and CEOs, all dolled up professionally, yet still make room for us in their routines; exchanging jaunty jokes, telling us to stay in school, or indulging our one -liners from the lines (we put the fun in hedge FUNd, haha). The warm, cuddly older women, who are like our mothers, and the obnoxious Bieber-esque highschoolers, who have become our little brothers. I’ll actually miss the rich, so rich they have never worked; their jobs consist of strolling around the corner to us, bossing us, making sure we making their drink perfectly, more for our sake than theres. Oh the princess-charmings who I dream I’ll marry. The horrible neurotics and yappy dogs, whose corpses I’d love to carry. Kidding! I’ll especially miss the down-to-earth business owners, the crazy-cool hair stylists, and swanky hotel employees who treat us like stars! Awww!

Most of all, I’ll miss my fellow Barista family. Making smoothies after hours, serving coffee arm in arm, and running like banshees around the neighbourhood. I get up because of them (texting me when my I snooze through my alarm), they made me laugh ‘til I cry, and they know how it feels to go into work with a double hangover, and essay and rent due on the same say. Scattering out over the city we will go, to other coffee shops, working our fingers to latte bone, running on nothing but caffeine. Nostalgia and stories will be replaced with new faces, unfamiliar places, and a race to memorize something new.

As I gaze over the gutted mess that was once, for a small moment in time, mine, my cafe, all I see is rubble, dust, disaster…nothing. I laugh as I look at my invisible espresso bar, aka my morning castle. But if I linger I will cry at how fast it all collapsed to an unfamiliar past. Maybe none of it really mattered after all. I, the little lost coffee girl, knows there are memories hidden in the walls, echos of Aretha’s voice hovering in the asbestus. And though I’m embarking on a new adventure, leaving my student job and coffee slog behind, I can’t deny this place will be a part of me.

Just in case you don’t, I’ll remember the Jamaican lady with the sweet potato pie, old enough to be my grandmother, encouraging me to never stop singing. The Italian chef, who I watched on TV from my couch when I burned by foot, and then made his drink ten times a day from then on ‘til now. The “secret agents”, Extra Foamy-Shugah-Shugah, Lisa, Connor and Jay and so many more.  I’m a grumpy ol’ hipster on the outside, but at the heart, I’m a softy and will drink in these moment ans savour the new connections that will come.  

Goodbye Yorkville store. There are a million stores, but none will ever be there you.

Sincerely, Clara Button

my store, in the heart of a swank-ville, across from an even swankier hotel, is closing down to make room for condo-chic developments. c’est la city vie! not only will i miss my beloved crazy coworkers, waking up two minutes before i start work, and being on speaking terms with fancy-schmancy people i could never afford to know in real life, i will miss being responsible for a celebrity’s all-star beverage. 

in honour of my store’s closure, here is a compilation of all the superstars that either myself, my friends or a past barista has served. ENJOY!

CONAN O’BRIEN- Grande Eggnog Latte

SHERYL CROW - Grande Non-fat Latte and a blueberry scone

DAVID BECKHAM - Grande Americano

MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES - Venti Extra-whip White Mocha, Venti Extra-whip Chocolate, Venti Extra-Extra-whip White Hot Chocolate

JUSTIN BIEBER’S BODY GUARD - Tall White Mocha

COME BACK JUSTIN!!!!

CHEF DAVID ROCCO - Solo long espresso macchiato…or whatever else he feels like ordering us around to do.

LADY GAGA - Iced-Tall Unsweetened Green Tea

QUEEN LATIFAH - Double Short Soy Latte

NEVE CAMPBELL - Grande Non-fat Latte

JOHN TRAVOLTA - Grande Bold

JIM (DRAGON’S DEN) -Tall Skinny Vanilla Latte x 2

ASHLEY (OR MARY-KATE?) OLSEN - Triple Venti Vanilla Non-fat Latte 

GLEE - An assortment of annoying beverages

K’NAAN - Whatever he feels like, yo!

Thanks a latte, celebrity friends! 

“Excuse me Coffee Girl, i put too much milk in my coffee by accident… could you give me a new one? or at least could you spill some out and put fresh coffee in?!” *panics*

“sorry, we gave you a chance already today. but unfortunately, you ruined your coffee. better luck next time!”

“How are you today, Coffee Girl?”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m just a Barista”.

“Ahhhh!!! Where did the garbage can go?! I just threw my used, gross tea bag into an empty abyss!”

“I’m in the process of changing it. If you weren’t so focused on ripping open your 15 packets of Splenda, you’d have noticed me standing here, struggling with this heavy, leaky bag.  I’ll gladly reach into the abyss and fish out your tea bag since the sight of your stupidity makes you squirm; I’m desensitized to splatter.”

“Wow! How do you memorize so many drinks?!”

“Even though I’m illiterate, I have trained myself to recognize recurring patterns and symbols. Similar to how a golden retriever will shake a paw and respond to his ninny “non-fat/no-foam” owner. You, sir, have a degree in Fancy Business Man, while I have a pedigree for speedy service with a smile. Don’t bite the hand that picks up your non-fat. Or is it whole milk today? Woof!”

“Why are you already sold out of blue berry muffins?!”

“Answer one: Yuck!”
“Answer two: You’re looking pudgy. I’m actually helping you.”
“Answer three: I didn’t feel like putting any out. They are actually sitting behind the counter but I find you really annoying. Next!”

“Can I get a mug of hot water to warm up my l’il baby’s designer bottle?” 

“Only if you stay until close and help mop up the drool on the table, wipe off the floor and mend the broken legs I sustain because your SUV stroller is blocking my life.”

“Can you watch my laptop for a second?”

“Muahahahaha! It’s safe with me! I would never send prank e-mails or use your Skype to call businesses telling them I’m locked in their bathrooms. No way! And if someone tries to steal it, I will gladly endanger my life fighting the armed gunmen who are after your files, since you are so important.”

“Why do you always where a hat?”

“Because if I don’t, you’ll ask me why I’m not wearing a hat.”

“What happened to your hat?”

“If I wear a hat people ask me why I wear a hat. And there are rumours that my hair is fake and I’m trying to dispel them by showing off my “hair” that looks good enough that you’re going to ask me where I get my hair done”. (my hair was actually purchased at the Caribbean Queen Hair and Nails store from a Jamaican lady named DeDe). 

“How do you get your hair to look soooo nice all the time? Don’t hide it under a hat!”

“I wake up hours before work, while you are tucked up in your king sized condo, and rub almond oil and apple cider vinegar all over my trusses repeatedly for two hours. Then I use pipe-cleaners to make the pin curls and get a small child to wind the ends tightly. Voila, my hair is more designer-looking than your knock-off Louis Vuitton handbag. And I don’t hide it; If I didn’t wear my grungy hat then I would upset the balance of the Law that “The Barista Must Look Uglier than her Customers for the  Sake of their Self-Esteem.”

“Can I get a Skinny Pepper-Mint Mocha?”

“Mmmmm aspartame-y!!!”

“Can you make it dense dense foam!?”

(my favourite thing to bitch about).”I’m sorry, I stopped listening. Though there’s something about you that just reads dense. I know you’ll love all the extra foam”.

“Can I get no foam?!”

“Lattes have foam.”

“Is that decaf?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

“It was when I made it and called it out to you. But now I’m not so sure. Maybe you should ask me again. Or I’ll remake it. Did you say decaf?” *full-caf button pressed*

“I’ll have a ten Sweet-and-Low, iced blended water with 5 pumps of sugar-free hazelnut and caramel drizzle on top. How much is it?”

“I make drinks. That’s not a drink. Have a great time elsewhere with your non-friends/friends are who figments of you eating-disordered brain.”

END SCENE. 

Love to some of you,

Clara Button

CASE STUDY: COFFEE GIRL LEARNS THE ABCs OF HIPSTER LIVING IN ALPHABET CITY

Cafe Mocha, East Village (2nd Ave.7th St)

soooooo…coffeee huh?! am i supposed to know stuff about that? whatever. no ways. not now. i’m the know-not, un-hippest trend-rejected girl here in the lower east side. would someone PLEASE teach me how to crack into coffee culture in the biggest, hippest apple?

first off, i’m not really in new york city. but more like hipster central on the lower edges of manhattan. smushed between funky necklace boutiques, angry-artsy tattoo parlors, venezuelan tapas hubs, over-crowded organic-gourmet milkshake gallery-shops and ancient dusty wine cellars, is me. i want to be the local, i want to blend…but the first thing i learned is you can’t figure out how to breathe here, you’ve just gotta be born knowing. you either have it. or it has to find you. i’ve decided i will probably spend my life staring at the finger of the person who is pointing out where it is, and i’m proudly saying i see it, but really staring blurrily five feet below where it is. the have-its are laughing.

well here’s my best shot at it:

coffee shops. i have been doing this wrong forever. new check-list:

1. dingy? whole-in-wall? with an essence of grungy plaid? bingo.
2. strange unique name: weird abbreviations? foreign words? named after misunderstood artist? or french lady? ironic/witty? (aka NINE83, AbraCo, Cafe Collette, Grumpy).
3. social suicide: union square. (aka well-lit places full of tourists, happy people, academics, mainstream, newly made clothes, Ugg boots, obese people. ugh, for shame).
4. there should be at least six obscure, freshly roasted blends. the darker and blacker the better. extra points for ironic names.
5. the more people wearing unnecessary hats, vintage scarves and lace-up boots the better. oh, and plaid.
6. absolutely no children inside. no golden retrievers or labs waiting outside. if so, keeping skulking by.
7. obscure indie artist mix or mild punk music playing. or side patio for smoking and cigarette rolling. top 40 is a definite turn off.
8. fresh baked vegan or white-chocolate-blueberry—pinot-soaked-pumpkin-oatmeal cookie type options. or starvation.
9. evil eyes to corporate coffee chains.
10. the baristas behind the counter must be wearing awkward ties and blazers, skinny jeans and vintages tees, and yes, plaid. they should all be lattes-artists and very stoic and unfriendly.
11. coffee is a necessary part of existing; you don’t look for a good coffee shop. you know where to go. thank the hipster gods who made you this way.
12. be picky. be pretentious. be an expert. cuz you just are. duh.

i may not be hip to this coffee scene. but at least i have my own it-manual and luckily, only i know it. so i’m gonna sit here and just enjoy the hipsters own their neighbourhood. check.

OTHER NEW YORK TRENDS:

• milk bars: enjoy “homemade style” cookies dipped in different types of milk: from strawberry soy to cereal-soaked. dunk them at the long wooden bar as you hipster watch.
• design-your-own-FRO-YO! frozen yogurt will never be the same. it’s all about personal customization. don’t conform my cone!
• obscure foods from ALL over the world: the harder to pronounce the better, and the more remote the country gives you bonus points.
• gourmet hot dogs: this has been an icelandic tradition forever but now it’s here. except waaaay more expensive.
• street food trucks: move over hot dogs and soft serce, nyc has an excellent variety of street food all available in convenient roadside trucks. as delicious as they are sketchy, enjoy a gyro, rice and beans and greasy chicken feast for a low low price. (perfect for Occupying Wall Street!)
• pies. too bad i don’t like crust.

FIN.

about a month ago I showed you an example of drink profiling: how baristas can match a fancy, heavily botoxed customer to her fancy, heavily modified beverage. well, this technique is not just useful for the ladies. no when it comes to coffee, it’s a man’s world too. where do you fit in? (if you don’t drink coffee/are so unique and indie that we could not possibly profile you, then just bite your tongue and play along anyway)

WARNING: judgments were made in the creation of this post, so if you are easily offended, shut your browser now and begin singing KUMABAYA while watching Oprah re-runs.

small capuccino

Double LONG espresso

dark roast coffee…black

me? what?….oh five shot americano

vanilla non-fat latte

latte…and two of those take-out coffee boxes for my team!

four scoop protein, matcha, orange mango smoothie

large size green tea and a lemon-seed poppy loaf

extra-sweet soy caramel macchiato….thank you sooo much!

kids apple juice

milk…with whipped creme!!!!!

do you have McDonald’s here?!

a small size of your freshest, mildest brew with two pumps of hazelnut. oh, and lactose free milk on the bar

please miss, just small chai latte. no foam, no no foam miss. thank you so very much.

is it possible to just get a REGULAR COFFEE?!

we make our drinks at home. though, my family doesn’t need coffee!

GRARRRROAAAAAR! HAHAHAHA! MAHAHAGAGAHHR ROAAAAR!!!!!!!

While I don’t make emergency caffeine house calls (yet…but ya never know where the already slave-like service industry is headed) I am often Stand-By  in case other stores are short staffed. Yes, believe it or not there is no such thing as Barista-Bots (yet…there will be once the humans refuse to make non-fat/no-foam house calls) so sometimes there just aren’t enough healthy, functional people to fill a typical shift. I’ve been store hopping around the city this week, whipping out my magic cup marking marker and sixth coffee sense, to help out wherever my octopus arms are most needed. From swanky uptown to the little shops along the way, I am there. But I wasn’t really ready for my first trip to the hospital…

No, I didn’t suddenly pass out from a picky-customer encounter or caffeine overdose and end up in the ER. Yesterday I worked the coffee kiosk’s opening shift at one of the city’s biggest hospitals. Ironically, this was the hospital I was born at many moons ago. I wonder how my newborn alien-looking little self would feel about me being back there, scrubbing into a dirty apron and perhaps caffeinating the very nurses who had bottle fed me: wow, full-circle moment.

The hospital is dead on a Saturday morning (figuratively speaking). I got to the opportunity to have one-on-one talks with all my patients…er, customers.

COFFEE GIRL: Good morning, what can I get you?
CUSTOMER 1: I’m half-way through my 20 hour emergency room shift. I need something to keep going. Make it a triple medium latte. No wait, maybe a quad.
CG: Wow. Busy night?
ER DOCTOR: Yup, it’s the long weekend. Unfortunately that means people are more reckless drivers. There’s been a few accidents?
CG: *gulp* are the people okay? How do have the mental strength to deal with that?
ER DOCTOR: I have a passion for what I do; it’s interesting stuff. But yes it’s difficult to keep focused and separate yourself from it all. Coming down for coffee and a chat saves me.

COFFEE GIRL: Hey there, what can I get you?
CUSTOMER 2: Extra large vanilla latte, with caramel and chocolate drizzle. I have a long day ahead.
CG: Are you a doctor here?
C2: Haha no. My wife is here for her fourth surgery. She’s battling cancer. I need something sweet for the wait.
CG: I’m so sorry to hear that! I wish you both well.
LOVING HUSBAND: I’ll be back soon. Being in the hospital gets me down but I love hanging out here; you guys are always so friendly.
CG: Your next one’s on the house!

COFFEE GIRL: How are you this morning?
CUSTOMER 3: I’m exhausted and ready to get outa here! Working over night can get nasty sometimes. I’ll take a hot chocolate to put me to sleep.
CG: This will help. What do you do here?
C3: I’m a janitor. You should see some of the messes I have to clean up. Heavy stuff!
CG: I can imagine! What’s your background?
JANITOR: Actually, I’m Pakistani. I had my own private health practice back home. I’m hoping my paperwork goes through so I can start building a stable life here for my family. I never thought this experience would be so challenging. But I can’t go back now. Thanks for listening! I haven’t seen you before.
CG: I’m just helping out this morning. But I hope to work here again.
JANITOR DOCTOR: I very much hope to see you. This is a delicious beverage. Good luck in your studies.

The rest of my day passed by quickly. I was fascinated by my customers lives and stories. I continued to make beverages which extra-special attention to NOT pressing the DECAF button by accident. I gave myself jitters by visualizing the extra-large caramel macchiato going into a brain surgery. I even flirted with a gorgeous surgery resident who sat in the cafe with her yogurt and orange juice, after having worked a three day shift! I felt like I was on “Coffee Girl’s Anatomy”.

Yes, the cafe and the hospital are good compliments to each other: bringing together those who need each other, nourishing each other with words and medicine and passing the energy from person to person to person who can save a person’s life. I may not be a brain surgeon and the art of coffee may not be rocket science, but it has its place and I’m glad to be one working the steam wand and pressing the buttons.

How do the best baristas get your beverage ready in the blink of a bleary eye? No, we are not telepathic or psychic. We are closer to pathetic and psycho since we use the almost always accurate, yet controversial science of DRINK PROFILING!
Can you be a cafe master? Take a scroll through the pictures below and see example of how baristas think about what their un-caffeinated customers are craving. Sometimes split second judgments will save time and get everyone smiling *winks*

Nonfat Extra-hot No-foam Latte

Decaf coffee

Sugar-free Caramel five-splenda Americano with extra-dense Non-fat Foam

vanilla soy latte

vanilla non-fat latte

skinny vanilla latte

non-fat extra ice chocolate smoothie

extra whip extra-sweet cinnamon latte with two apple fritters

just an iced-unsweetened green tea…oh, and an ice-water

two-raw sugar cappuccino

lactose-free chai latte

small size iced-green tea latte

small size americano

strawberries and cream, and vanilla bean

milk

hot chocolate

half-sweet no-whip white hot chocolate

THANKS A LATTE!!!

Stay tuned for the men’s addition!

work places should be created equal. while you’re ordering your extra extra EXTRA hot latte to combat your frigidly conditioned office, survive the sub-arctic summer meeting rooms temperatures, i’m sweltering more than a labouring sweat shop child in a third-world country. that’s right, in the heat wave there is no escape for the Barista. i think the only one enjoying the zero air conditioning is the store jungle shrub, also known as “Planty”. While Planty is thriving in the heat, the rest of us are having a harder time absorbing it. it fact, i have to restrain myself not to curl up in the fetal position and launch myself into the ice bin. i spend my breaks comatose in the giant back fridge and the only free beverage i’ll be sipping is a extra-icy water!

signs your Coffee Girl may be suffering from heat exhaustion:

• she can’t remember regular drink orders. prepare to repeat yourself two, three or five times. you have to suffer with the “you get what you get” policy.
  
• easy tasks are challenging. there’s a gap between my brain, spinal cord and all limbs therefore i can’t how to brew coffee. it might be water, just sayin’…i might not even have brewed it at all. oh well. *sweat drips off brow*
  
• she is red, sweating like a pig and has difficulty keeping her balance. too bad my uniform is long sleeved and my apron does not have built in should fans.
  
• she can’t call back drinks properly or forgets to make them all together. again, “you get what you get…if you get it” policy in place. complaining will just bounce off your overflowing sweat glands.
  
• she is extra-extra short tempered, irritable, bitter, grumpy, controlling, scrooge-like, bossy-pants, evil, malicious and doesn’t smile or say thank you. ROAR! HISS! BOO! ARGH! BAHAHAHAHAHA!
  
• the above symptoms fade quickly to a zombie state of nothingness… ZZZZZZZZZZZ
  
• difficulty answering easy questions. Huh?! Whaaaa…?! Do we serve coffee here? Oh yeah…I guess so!
  
• not sure where she works, where she is supposed to me and if she is still in Kansas anymore
• spends a longer than necessary time restocking the fridges. sweet jesus, i never knew cold milk againt my skin could feel like paradise on earth.
  

i’d suggest going to the pool rather than spending time at my cafe. i feel like i’m training for serving coffee in the Amazon! i’m not sure the exact temperature of my store but the empty  patio and the haste of the customers to vacate the line and the premises suggests the heat wave is not just bad for our health, but also bad for business! not to mention, at least one person has been calling in sick per day. heat, sun and no AC is definitely one way to keep your employees away. i hope they get rest, some water and a fun-filled beach day. if i don’t faint, pass out and if i can keep conscious, i’ll and try and make you your super-hot beverage…but expect delay. warning: with heat comes a sloth-like work speed, disgruntlement and i pray for a reason to shut down the store for one much-needed, collective Coffee Girl Beach Day. Hurray!!!

“Excuse me Coffee Girl, can I just get a glass of water? With ice?…Oh, and a lid and a straw? Make that two? Can the second one have extra ice? Thanks!”

If I had a nickel for every ice water I served, I would be sipping a mocha freddo on my grand yacht in Venice. I never knew water could a) be so labour intensive c) so after sought d) the most aggravating after thought!

H20: Here we go:

1) Order your water just like you would order your beverage: at the register! Just because it’s free, it still takes as much time as your fancy-pants $6 blended drink!

2) Order your water unlike you would order your beverage. I didn’t realize a glass of water, like a Decaf-Ristretto-Non-Fat-No-Foam-176-Degree-Extra-Wet-Cappuccino could have so many syllables (with a lid, light ice, ten ice cube, with room, no ice, extra straw, for here glass,…)! Isn’t the whole purpose of water that it’s simply that: water?!

3) Don’t say “can I just have…”: take ownership of your irritating request for thirst!

4) Invest in a water bottle! Yeah.

5) Don’t be a bar hover fly. I’m not a mama monkey and this isn’t my watering hole so stand back and wait for your cup to hit the queue. Believe me, if this was the animal kingdom, you’d be scrounging for your own latte and hydration while I’d be laughing at the top of the tree!

6) Water may be complimentary, so remember to compliment your hardworking server with a smile and tip.

7) Water is the least fun and most annoying drink to make. Remember that the next time you order a dozen for your family reunion.

Yes, water is the source of life and the ultimate refresher. But remember, it doesn’t have to be fancy, high maintenance or ordered from a swanky corporate cafe. You can get the same water from the kitchen sink or sprinkler, so go play!

it’s hot, sunny and B-E-A-T-U-tiful outside. yes, i get it. and i yes i know you want it.

summer is officially here and while you’ve emerging in droves to soak up the rays and stomp in your sandals like you’re marching in the sunny sky brigade, my coffee team and i have been laying low. i’ve been especially deep in hibernation: summah skool, relationship turmoil, and learning to mix like the REAL bar stars has turned me into a prowling night owl. but that doesn’t give me any excuse to skip out on the cafe line, which by now, at 11 o’clock is probably snaking around the block. time to re-stalk: we need more ice, cold, cups, bananas, lids, chocolate chips, vanilla, matcha, syrups red and blue…oh, we need more employees too!

what happened to the ice cream truck?! remember back in the good ‘ol days? running through the sprinkler, melting on the metal slide, monkey-ing around on the jungle gym…and then all of a sudden, that sweet, melodic out-of-tune chime would waft through the air and off we would go. drop any thing, end any game because it was all about the ice cream truck and getting out daily fix before it would disappear into the uncertain horizon of *gulp* tomorrow-afternoon-land. forget trying to reach up to that rickety window and fighting through the swarm of sticky, sun-screened hands of those grabby suntanned kids, all trying to claim their place in the hovering crowd and be the the first, or second, one noticed. the ancient, jovial man, our Santa Clause, sweating as he dolls out the cones, one by one, with such care and pride and never once forgetting his smile.

and then the pain-staking decision of what to order. vanilla? no chocolate! no wait, BOTH! with a chocolate dip. and maybe, if we’re lucky that day, he’ll have sprinkles. that little extra rainbow spoonful could make the rain forest-like day a little cooler. and after i mowed down my last bite, i would clean by hands kitten-style and lick up every last drop from my face, nose and pink bikini top. *sigh* wishing i had been last in line, since the shorty, slower kids are still enjoying their cones. yes, those were the days…

nowadays everything is NOW NOW NOW! but after a point, i’m wondering HOW HOW HOW?! as i’m up to my elbows in a different kind of sticky, my brain just can’t wrap around the logic, or magic of the summer time treat scene. two hundred people through our doors, and all of them wanting, something fancy, something special, something extra-complicated and labour intensive, that’s for sure! that little, personal queue is no more: it’s an angry mobbing swarm. and two flavours? nope, now there’s a million plus four. whipped creme? yes, you actually DID want it, oh i’m now probably a bitch because i was struggling with ten other drinks, and your indecisive requests, i ignored!

five baristas on the floor, endless customers eagerly clambering, exclaiming, listing…even with double fisting, the math just doesn’t work out. i’m not a magician or a super-sonic Santa Clause. this ain’t Disney and i can’t serve up your extra-modified, extra-whatever beverage in less than a jiffy. no matter what you paid, you can’t put a price on watching us run to and fro like over-worked lost little chickens, scrambling to blend three, four, endless drinks with all our under-paid might! if i saw that giant queue and the desperate baristas, i would give up and i would turn around walk into the sun and be thankful i’m not working and be happy it’s summah. i’d find someplace slower, zen-like and calmer.

since when did the cafe become summer cental?! blended coffee, sugar syrups…move over classic espresso! let’s think back to the days of the ice cream truck. the anticipation, the excitement! the unknown arrival of our treat, the music, the hustle and bustle, the sweet taste of delightment! don’t be a nuisance, or an annoying fool. don’t watch us struggle with your beverage, or demand perfection, keep your cool! summer survival is about taking the heat, having adventures and finding fun. please, please…be patient! everyone wants a summer treat. really, you’re not the only one! watch us and move and feel the blended-drink groove: the line-ups have begun.

whomever or whatever nutcase predicted today’s forecast  rapture is not only a lunatic, but must be thanked. maybe the world didn’t end, but the horrible saturday line-ups, scrambling and nearly-wrist-slitting stresses did. not only was the Rapture Day the most gloriously beautiful, sunny and postcard-worthy days in a long, looooong time, it unexpectedly kept the pretty, pretentious, and pretty thirsty people away and at bay. it was as though all the crazy customers who clog the corners of the store and overflow on to the patio just disappeared; maybe they perished in a rapture targeting only neurotic, over-entitled fat phobs.

normally i dread sunny saturdays because i know they will be anything but funny. today, i actually enjoyed my work weekend. not only was it less busy than usual but there were hardly any mishaps or manic moments. i actually got to know some of my weekend regulars who i normally barely have any time to smile at, let alone speak to because i’m up to my eyeballs in no-this-no-that modifiers. the predicted rapture provided endless talking points. many wanting to spend their last day on earth soaking up the rays, with friends or taking it easy. despite the absurdity of this rumour, it sure was on everyone’s mind. too bad the prediction wasn’t world peace or extra-tip your barista day..hint hint.

i hope every saturday’s forecast calls for RAPTURE. (though most likely my customers booked it out of town to a grand cottage or took a ride on luxury boat to spend their last day on earth in style). even if there was a rapture, i think it would take more than the world’s end to stop me from working my endless hours and repetitively whipping up drinks and wiping down the counters. after all, they’ll need coffee in heaven or hell. wherever i end up, nothing’s going to change for me for a while. i’m still your coffee girl, real life or predicted rapture…(is there a difference?!)

i’m going to try and work each shift like it IS actually the end. smile, have fun and make each drink like there will never be another. i hope my customers do the same. too bad tomorrow’s forecast is just rain.

i recently heard a rumour that apples contain levels of caffeine so that not only are they a nutritious snack but they can also provide a boost. this intrigued me because as the Coffee Girl, i have to rush out the door as fast as possible, without my coffee, to make up some for the rest of the neighbourhood. can apples provide me with the basic energy, calories and nutrients we need, as well as the caffeine we crave, just in case we must skip breakfast or that coffee break?  i investigated…

so, do apples contain caffeine? NO! they contain an acid called caffeic, which has been getting people confused. although it sounds similar, it is completely unrelated to caffeine or coffee-based beverages. however, caffeic acid is an anti-carcinogen and more powerful than many antioxidants; it counter acts inflammation and is a proven tumor shrinker. the only time caffeic and caffeine can be found together is in caffenol, a do-it-yourself-home photograph developer made of instant coffee and caffeic acid. but i can’t recommend drinking that for first thing in the morning!

however, caffeic and caffeine aside, apples are efficient at waking you up. i’m not talking about having them land on your head, they contain 20 grams of carbohydrates and are high in fiber. eat an apple first thing and you’ll not only keep the doctor away but apparently you’ll lower your risk of cancers, neutralize IBS (more bathroom breaks), avoid alzeimers, get whiter teeth and get a healthier heart and gallbladder.

wow, all this research makes me wish i was caffeic dealer instead of a coffee girl. boy, would i love to shove apples into those picky customers’ mouths every morning! Apple Latte anyone?!